Dear Samir
I am still thinking about our talk and am sad about you seeing so black for your future.
I hope I can be so honest to you. If not and you feel offended, forgive me for beeing indiscreet.
I know, you work a lot outside of the house, but Manila, who never had a job out of the house probabely can not even imagine in what a day of yours could consiste. She knows the work at home, thats all.
When I had very difficult times with Xiaoqun and i looked about the small kids at home, i had the impression that Xiaoqun did not respect me. I had the same long day like him, but when he came home, i had to serve him, then he watched TV and I was alone in the kitchen until sometimes 22.30.
After this I was just dead. But he wanted sex after this, which is also understandable.
We started to make collaborations in the sence of I cleaned the kitchen and he was drinking something next to me and we were interchanging of the day. Or he proposed to make the kitchen because I still had laundry to do. And I felt much more valuable that the roles where not so fix anymore. Now Xiaoqun does not whatch TV anymore at all. I think it was also a way of avoiding an interaction with me because I could complain or tell him things and he just wanted to be alone.
It is very important that you talk about your needs. Personal needs, and not what is normal in your culture. And then, if you really talk about love and mean love, try to fulfill the needs mutually. Sounds probabely very unromantic, but when I started to feel suported by my husband it was easier for me to give him what he needed. Because he made big steps in my direction. Sex sometimes was like the salery for taking my distress at home seriously, take me seriously. I needed this, he needed that.
Because Manilla is not reasonable at the moment unfortunately you have to act and be strong. Usually its the woman who does this when unsatisfied. You can imaging how embaressing it was for Xiaoqun to see a therapist but he came there to show me respect, to give us a chance. I suppose in your culture it is also very unusual to see a coach to help. We did not go very often, but it was very good to talk to each other in front of somebody, because no insults were allowed and we really had to speak about it. No accusations, no insults, no avoiding.
Its important that somebody from outside tells you that you can not treat each other like a garbagebin. You have to fix rules until you know how you can go on together. Otherwise you destroy so much beeing without respect for each other. Plus the kids suffer a lot.
I really care a lot about you two and your wonderful kids, thats why I write this and not to instruct you. I think in every couple there are difficult years in different periods. But there are couples who never talk about, but are unhappily together for a whole life (for instance Manillas mother and example). From outside you don't see anything.
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Manilla and you are from the same culture but from a different star at the same time. You are very sofisticated, rational, scintific and contained. She is magic, shining, she is open, gives you everything, a bit like a child. If she is like this, she is very precious and probabely also a good balance to your rational workinglife. Try to get her magic again.
I hope you can deal with this mail. If you can just get one simple act for you, it was more then worth it writing it. Try to act simple things towards her at home, thats all she can see, thats touchable for her.
Now have a good day and take care of you!
Love
Britta
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