首先,你第一个犯的错误就是那个Dear Boss。外国人是不说“亲爱的老板”的!应该用“Dear Whom This May Concern”,直译是“亲爱的与这个有关系的人”,虽然中文听的便扭,可是你要写的是地道的英文,而不是中国英文啊!
剩下的我也不多说了,因为自己比较懒,看了一下楼上别人的,觉得除了nancylne可能是自己写的,别的应该都是机器的。所以我在nancylne的基础上改吧(我中文不是很好,所以看你写的那么多中文字,说实话有点头晕~)
Dear Whom This May Concern,
Thank you for your precious time. Having been deeply impressed by the good image and the professional staff of your company, I am writing to you in the hope of joining this great team.
First of all, allow me to introduce myself. My name is…, and I am studying in…university, majoring in Human Resources Management.
Through the years of education, I have formed a good character and an outgoing personality. Besides, I am highly responsible and well-disciplined. Being a self-starter, I am willing to find a position that calls for inter-personal communication.
I am pragmatic and have grasped many practical skills such as Microsoft Word, Excel and Powerpoint, as well as the fundamentals of Adobe Photoshop. I am also extremely capable in photography.
As for work experience, I have been a music teacher for a year in teaching drums (爵士鼓) and through which I was able to express myself in another form while improving my communication skills.
In addition, for 2 years I have worked as a part of the management team in the student union of my university, duties included the organization of student parties and large festival events. Thanks to this, I was exposed to team work and have ever since been an effective yet efficient team member.
In terms of hobbies, I am an avid lover of music and sports. I do well in table tennis and badminton. I was also fortunate enough to have had the chance to perform inside the Musikverein (维也纳金色大厅) in Vienna as a part of a symphony orchestra.
I hope that through this brief introduction of myself, you are to better understand me, not just as a potential employee but also as a person with passion and responsibility. Which I believe will benefit greatly to the development and the future of your company.
If there are any questions, please feel free to contact me through email:
[email protected] or call xxxxxxxxx.
I hope to hear from you soon!
Yours Sincerely,
XX
Feb. 17, 2010
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好了,改好了。最后基本上都改过了(不信你对比一下),因为实在太中国化了。如果是给鬼佬看的话,绝对会有读起来不是很舒服的感觉。尤其是你最后的什么“蒸蒸日上”的,别嫌我烦啊,呵呵(不过我确实有一点),那个不需要说的。
因为他们在选择你的同时,你也在选择他们。所以是互相的。所以我就改成了“希望可以马上听到您的回复”。
P.S.维也纳金色大厅的英文名也给你搜索出来啦!