这篇英语作文有哪些错误？CET6水平，请大家帮忙看看。

Question

If I had a time machine.
If I had a time machine, I would have gone back to Ming Dynasty serving as a sailor for navigation and following Zheng He as much as possible.
As is known to all, Zheng He, not only a great navigator but also a pioneer, who took Zhu Di’s order, had made a large number of voyages in the Southeast Sea and visited lots of countries since 1403, which is a symbol of courage and friendship nowadays inspiring people to keep on going and never give up. What impresses me most is, during the expedition, there was full of peace with advanced technology and valuable goods, rather than brutality or violence to cause slaughters. That’s the main reason attracting me to join the admirable fleets.
If I lived in that age, deep blue sea having enlarged my conception of exploring the wonderful world to satisfy my curiosity and adventurous spirit, I would have made a difference to change the historical proceed so as to avert the degeneration of China. I would have managed to persuade those rulers in Ming Dynasty, who were complacent, proud of nation’s prestige, and hadn’t realized the significance of expanding the domain and studying technology, to concentrate more on development and turn maritime trade into an official and popular occupation instead of being banned by government later, thus encouraging nationals to engage in open activities and avoiding the inhibition of the primitive accumulation of capital and cultural communication with outside. Then it could have brought the naissance of revolution and the first light of natural science before western countries-at least it would have enlightened people in a large sense.

Answer 1

What impresses me most is, during the expedition, there was full of peace with advanced technology and valuable goods

What impresses most is that，during the expedition，。。。。。 因为正常语序应是 What impresses me most is that there was full of peace with advanced technology and valuable goods during the expedition ，这是个主语从句

I would have made a difference to change the historical proceed 用proceedings ，proceed是
动词

I would have managed to persuade those rulers in Ming Dynasty, who were complacent, proud of nation’s prestige, and hadn’t realized the significance of expanding the domain and studying technology, to concentrate more on development and turn maritime trade into an official and popular occupation instead of being banned by government later, thus encouraging nationals to engage in open activities and avoiding the inhibition of the primitive accumulation of capital and cultural communication with outside
把这段拆开写，太长了，你写的时候是挺爽，觉得自己挺牛逼，但是看作文的人看起来很累，而且里面很多语义不明的地方， 整篇文章最大的毛病就是太Chinglish~~~用的would have done 次数太多了， 本来这篇文章的写作背景就是假设的，所以完全可以用过去时

Answer 2

写的很好 没什么错 不过貌似有点儿夸张了 凭小人物的一己之力改变一个朝代的没落史、

Answer 3

If I had a time machine.
If I had a time machine, I would choose to go back to Ming Dynasty. I would be serving as a sailor under Zheng He. Zheng He, not only a great navigator but also a pioneer, had taken Zhu Di’s order and made a large number of voyages in the Southeast Sea. He had visited many countries in the year 1403. His adventurous spirit was a symbol of courage and friendship. What impresses me most is, during the expedition, it was a time of piece. There was exchange of culture and goods.
I could imagine myself as one of Zheng Du's ship crews. My exposure in the seas would have broadened my perception of exploring the wonderful world, thus satisfying my curiosity and adventurous spirit. I would have been part of the history. I would have tried to change the history by persuading Ming Dynasty rulers, who were complacent at that time, to concentrate more on development of maritime trade into an official and popular occupation, instead of banning it. Banning had encouraged nationals to engage in open activities and had inhibited the connection to the outside world. The significance of expanding the domain and studying technology were lost to the Ming Dynasty rulers. I could see the possibility of bring the renaissance of revolution and the first light of natural science before western countries - at least it would have enlightened people in a large sense at that time.