托福作文求批改 题目是 是否同意我们要一直说真话 TPO的题目

Question

Telling the truth
is considered as an important merit of people. Lying to others may hurt one’s
feelings in a relationship. But I don’t think telling the truth is right in any
situation.

In fact sometimes
telling the truth will make the situation go wrong. For example, once there was
a friend of mine who fell in love with a girl in the class. So the man tried
everything that he could do to make the girl his girl friend. One day on a starry
night, the friend was having dinner with his dream girl. With the elegant music
linger in their ears, the girl shyly asked the man that if the man would do
anything for her and expected to be answered romantically. But something
unfortunate happened. The man, not like any other boyfriend, actually told the
truth that if the thing would be a risk of life then he was more likely to choose
not to do it. The ending was just like what everyone can imagine. The girl was
really disappointed and thought that the man didn’t love her that much.
Although the man was willing to explain what he had said but all his effort was
just in vain. They broke up the next day.

Maybe you will indicate that telling a lie can
hurt one’s feelings. But don’t you know that telling the truth sometime can
have the same result? The truth may hurt but the lies may heal sometimes is the
conclusion I draw after I have such an experience. I have a 5-year-old cousin
who is actually Japanese and is learning English these years. One day after a
family dinner, parents invited the little boy to recite an English poem to
evaluate his English-speaking level. I was also listening and found that his
voice was with a strong Japanese accent. So I tell the truth without
hesitation. I could saw his face changed with tears falling down through his immature
skin. I suddenly realized that what I did just broke his heart. The adults told
me that when I was young and was learning English, no matter how horribly I
spoke, they always encouraged me that I did a very good job. That, the lies of
me doing good jobs, was what made me confident in English learning.

All in all, from
my perspective, telling the truth is undoubtedly a good character of a humanbeing. But always telling the truth is the behavior of an unwise person.
求批改 不要翻译啊各位大神

Answer 1

1. 不够具体，不够specific。我来举个例子：第一句话，“诚实守信是良好品格，说谎会伤害别人。但我认为并不是任何情况下都要讲实话”那么我会问：谁告诉你诚实守信是好的？在什么情况下说谎会以何种形式伤害什么人？第一段最后一句有语法错误。

2. 观点展开不够合理。目前你的论证方式只有举例子，而且是大段的例子。要记住，例子不能作为你论证部分的主要内容，例子只是支撑你观点的，几句话带过就好。你要花更多的时间去思考如何展开你的观点，做到层层递进。
3. 内容太口语化，并且有语法问题
4. 文章结构：我觉得一篇高分文章需要critical，就是从不同角度看问题。所以，你不但要说你支持的观点，还要解释你对立面的合理性。因为你的第一段是让步转折，所以你的文章整体也需要有让步转折。
5. 望采纳，欢迎发邮件继续交流。[email protected]

Answer 2

挺好的啊 逻辑清晰